


Letters of a Traitor

by Muighend



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Karkat is a vampire, Letters, M/M, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 20:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11974701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muighend/pseuds/Muighend
Summary: After the mistake to end all mistakes, Karkat has some time and space to himself, giving him the freedom to collect his thoughts, sort out the jumbled feelings inside him, and think about his relationship with John.A collection of letters from one Karkat Vantas to a certain John Egbert.





	Letters of a Traitor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [That John I Have In That Vampire Karkat RP](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=That+John+I+Have+In+That+Vampire+Karkat+RP).



> So this is just a snippet from an amazing wonderful perfect roleplay I've got going on. This li'l blurb's been edited for literary purposes, but dang do I love that roleplay, and the wonderful John I have. This is an ode to you my dude. Seriously. Best fucking roleplay I've had in for-fucking-ever. Just had this idea right now and I decided to expand upon one of the letters the hissy lil kitty cat wrote, and this fanfiction happened. Cheers to you, my dude!

My Dearest John,

I know I’m the last person you want to hear from right now. Honestly, I don’t think you’d ever want to talk to me. Not today, or tomorrow, or even fifty fucking years from now. Possibly not even until the day you die and get buried 10 feet underground. Permanently. These are cold hard facts even more frigid than Antarctica at this time of year, all snow and ice and rabid polar bears who wouldn’t hesitate in ripping me apart. You have every right to be angry, and I’m fine with that.

Well, I’m not. I’m not actually fine with that. While I know the things I did were unforgivable, it still doesn’t change what I feel. I still want to talk to you, to see you. I want to hear your stupid voice calling me one insultingly sweet nickname after the other that would cause a diabetic crises amidst the human population. I want to hear you laugh like spring personified, fresh flowers and birds fucking chirping like they starred in one of the terribly cliche romcoms I collected that eclipsed your hoard of action and horror movies. I want to watch stupid pointless movies with you that don’t even make a lick of sense to my foreign vampire ass. I want to see you smile again like the problems of the world don’t exist. I want to see your eyes. Clear as the sky on a sunny day, devoid of clouds and shining love and joy to everyone who beholds you.

What I did was despicable, fucking vicious acts of violence and deceit that not even one of your human saints would forgive. I’m not trying to get you to pity me. That’s not what I want. I won’t even deign to ask for your forgiveness. After what I did to you, all the lies I’ve said and all the hurt I’ve caused you, I don’t deserve to ask for your forgiveness. This isn’t what this letter is for. I’m not writing this to ask for your forgiveness or some shrewd desire to repair the relationship I inevitably damaged due to my own negligence and lack of insight to the painfully obvious shit going on with my life that even strangers like Sollux have noticed. I’m not asking you to forgive me, John. All I want, is for you to know that I’m sorry.

Words cannot express what I’m feeling right now. Hell, I don’t even think I can put these into words myself. It’s all just a fucking swirling pit of confusion and agony that I can’t sort out even now. All this human-like thoughts and feelings inside me are foreign as your concept of morality. I can’t even name all of the feelings I have right now. But the one thing I know for a fact I feel right now without a shadow of a doubt, is that I regret hurting you.

Everything I did that hurt you, all the lies, the manipulation, making promises that I can’t even keep, hurting you in ways that I can’t even comprehend. I regret all of that. Truly, I do. You may not believe me, but I hate myself for putting you through all this turmoil and madness, for dragging you into a war you weren’t even going to be a part of, all because I can’t fucking pick a goddamn side and decided to play on both factions of this war. That hurt you. I see that now. My actions hurt you, and countless other people in a magnitude beyond my minuscule scale of comprehension. My actions have consequences. Consequences that further entrenched innocent people into this shithole of a conflict. Consequences that claimed the lives of innocent people. Consequences that hurt you.

It’s true that I regret hurting you, but I will never regret meeting you. You’ve taught me so much John, even if you weren’t trying to. Things about the world, things about humans, things about myself. You’ve taught me love, compassion, friendship. How to trust other people and appreciate everything there is in the world. You’ve taught me that while everything and everyone has the potential to flip the metaphorical over-priced mahogany table of bullshit, they also have the capability to do good.

Our time together was short, and I’ve spoiled it by being such a massive asshole sucking out the life out of everything like a galaxy-sized, omni-directional black hole of negativity. But I want to thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. Only now have the fucking blinders covering my eyes been lifted and allowed me to see the world in its full clarity. It’s beautiful John, just as you’ve always insisted it was. I hope that I haven’t shattered your perception of the world. Your positivity is a gift that brightens up the world, a gift that should be treasured by everyone lucky enough to have you in their lives.

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I say this will full fucking seriousness, not that I’ve ever been the joking type, but I wanted you to know. Everything we’ve done, from that first ghost hunt where I acted like such a total ass, to our last mission where I acted like a total ass, and everything in between. I may not ever see you again. You may never even want to see me again. But I want to let you know that I’ll treasure those memories until I turn to fucking ashes.

From the very moment you took a picture of us in that snowy village in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere, to the first time we ever watched a movie together. I’ll remember when I first went to get groceries for you and how you complained about the complete bullshittery of ingredients I got and had to McGyver your way into a meal that somehow tasted like heaven. I remember when we went to the Dark Carnival, the rides we went to, both of us sitting at the top of the ferris wheel taking pictures like complete dorks. I remember seeing your face like up when I won Casey in that ring game. I remember when we first watched a horror movie together, Paranormal Activity, and you had to share a bed with me because you got frightened by the ludicrous idea of there being demons in the house. I remember you teaching me how to play video games before you decided to simply watch a movie because you noticed that I wasn’t enjoying it as much. I remember you agreeing to watch romcoms with me even though you don’t really like the genre. I remember that stupid domestic stunt you’d pull whenever you were feeling particularly playful.

I remember us painting the walls grey and blue and you spontaneously deciding to have a paint war that resulted in some paint splatters on the walls. I remember when you got those stupid shitty frames that don’t match each other at all when I didn’t bother giving you my home decorating opinions for the pictures I wanted to put on the wall. I remember you being so concerned for me when I accidentally left the water in the shower boiling hot. I remember you rearranging your bedroom just so I wouldn’t have to sleep on the couch. I remember me making coffee for you every morning while you took a shower, and you making us breakfast as I did the same.

I remember me confessing my vampirism to you. I remember me being scared shitless out of my mind when you didn’t say anything for so long. I remember not understanding the pain I felt when you referred to me as a vampire with such distaste in your voice. I remember me feeling so fucking relieved when you didn’t decide to kick me out. I remember the two of us playing poker together. I remember the two of us playing truth or dare. I remember you making me tell you that I liked you. I remember the best night of my undead life.

You’ve given me so much in the short time that we’ve known each other John, and I cherish every single one of these moments every day. I just wish that I could have given more to you in return. Spending the rest of my existence trying to repent for what I did won’t excuse my crimes. I can never atone for the sins I’ve committed.

You may not believe me, you have every reason not to. You of all people have the right to doubt everything I say and never trust me again. But please, John. Just this once, for the last time, please believe me. I am deeply sorry for putting you through this. I wish I could even give back half of what you gave me. I want you to know that you were the best thing that has ever happened to me in the centuries, even thousands of years I’ve been alive. Thank you for everything you’ve done.

Hopefully, things will be better for you, now that I’m no longer there. You deserve the sun, moon, and all the stars in the galaxy. I regret that I can’t give those things to you. You deserve nothing but the best, John.

\- Forever Yours, Karkat


End file.
